Eight In The Box
By Matt Bowen
Every Friday here at The National Football Post, I bring you a satirical look at the weeks top headlines in the NFL. Today: Brady speaks, Cowboys reality shows, WWE Divas, ‘80s hair bands and more.
EIGHT: The Family Business- New Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels hired his brother, Ben, a 28-year old high school coach, for his new Denver staff. I’m all for helping out your family, but this isn’t the same as asking your brother to help you move some furniture or pick up a case of Bud Heavies. That should be a fun Thanksgiving if the Broncos are already out of the playoff race.
SEVEN: Romo’s Pledge- Cowboys QB Tony Romo told the Dallas Morning News this week that he’s going to be a better team leader next season. Of course he is. That’s like telling your wife that you really watch WWE for the wrestling, not so you can see WWE Divas like Kelly Kelly walking around the ring wearing close to nothing.
SIX: Brady Speaks- Patriots quarterback Tom Brady talked to radio station 590 “The Fan” in Toronto this week and reassured everyone that his rehab is going well. Look, Brady is going to make $15 million next year, his girlfriend wears underwear for a living, and your girlfriend would rather date him than you. I think the knee injury is the least of his concerns right now.
FIVE: Smith to Stay: According to the Santa Rosa (Calif.) Press Democrat, the 49ers want QB Alex Smith to stay with the team. What? Sure, that sounds like a great idea since Smith has been so valuable to the franchise. Folks, I wanted to keep my denim jacket from sixth grade with the Motley Crue iron-on patch, but even I knew when it was time to move on.
FOUR: Don’t Blame the Kicker- After missing two kicks in the NFC Championship game, Eagles place-kicker David Akers told the Philadelphia Inquirer, “I’m not going to take the blame for the whole loss here.” Don’t worry, David, you don’t have to take the blame because you play with Donovan McNabb, and he takes the blame for everything in Philly — probably even Joe Carter’s home run in the 1993 World Series.
THREE: No Trade for Boldin- The Chicago Tribune is reporting that the Arizona Cardinals have no intention of trading Anquan Boldin. Of course they don’t, because offensive coordinator Todd Haley is the likely candidate to take over in Kansas City. Now the Cards don’t have to worry about Boldin administering a “Rock Bottom” to Haley on the sidelines next year when he tells Haley that he’s taking his ball and going home.
TWO: Big Money Back-up- Patriots quarterback Matt Cassel has no problem taking a back seat to Tom Brady next season, according to ESPN. So let’s get this straight: Cassel has no problem making $14 mil to run the scout team and watch the games on Sundays wearing a visor. Folks, this would be like you or me waking up Sunday in our robes, grabbing some coffee and watching the Patriots game on the couch — and making $875,000 dollars each time we did it.
ONE: Reality Show- Not that the Cowboys aren’t already a real-life reality show, but now Michael Irvin is promoting a new gig where some dude gets to try and win a spot on the Cowboys’ training camp roster. Not that the Cowboys need more drama with T.O., Romo, Jessica Simpson and so on. No word yet if Pacman Jones is one of the contestants.
Every Friday here at The National Football Post, I bring you a satirical look at the weeks top headlines in the NFL. Today: Brady speaks, Cowboys reality shows, WWE Divas, ‘80s hair bands and more.
EIGHT: The Family Business- New Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels hired his brother, Ben, a 28-year old high school coach, for his new Denver staff. I’m all for helping out your family, but this isn’t the same as asking your brother to help you move some furniture or pick up a case of Bud Heavies. That should be a fun Thanksgiving if the Broncos are already out of the playoff race.
SEVEN: Romo’s Pledge- Cowboys QB Tony Romo told the Dallas Morning News this week that he’s going to be a better team leader next season. Of course he is. That’s like telling your wife that you really watch WWE for the wrestling, not so you can see WWE Divas like Kelly Kelly walking around the ring wearing close to nothing.
SIX: Brady Speaks- Patriots quarterback Tom Brady talked to radio station 590 “The Fan” in Toronto this week and reassured everyone that his rehab is going well. Look, Brady is going to make $15 million next year, his girlfriend wears underwear for a living, and your girlfriend would rather date him than you. I think the knee injury is the least of his concerns right now.
FIVE: Smith to Stay: According to the Santa Rosa (Calif.) Press Democrat, the 49ers want QB Alex Smith to stay with the team. What? Sure, that sounds like a great idea since Smith has been so valuable to the franchise. Folks, I wanted to keep my denim jacket from sixth grade with the Motley Crue iron-on patch, but even I knew when it was time to move on.
FOUR: Don’t Blame the Kicker- After missing two kicks in the NFC Championship game, Eagles place-kicker David Akers told the Philadelphia Inquirer, “I’m not going to take the blame for the whole loss here.” Don’t worry, David, you don’t have to take the blame because you play with Donovan McNabb, and he takes the blame for everything in Philly — probably even Joe Carter’s home run in the 1993 World Series.
THREE: No Trade for Boldin- The Chicago Tribune is reporting that the Arizona Cardinals have no intention of trading Anquan Boldin. Of course they don’t, because offensive coordinator Todd Haley is the likely candidate to take over in Kansas City. Now the Cards don’t have to worry about Boldin administering a “Rock Bottom” to Haley on the sidelines next year when he tells Haley that he’s taking his ball and going home.
TWO: Big Money Back-up- Patriots quarterback Matt Cassel has no problem taking a back seat to Tom Brady next season, according to ESPN. So let’s get this straight: Cassel has no problem making $14 mil to run the scout team and watch the games on Sundays wearing a visor. Folks, this would be like you or me waking up Sunday in our robes, grabbing some coffee and watching the Patriots game on the couch — and making $875,000 dollars each time we did it.
ONE: Reality Show- Not that the Cowboys aren’t already a real-life reality show, but now Michael Irvin is promoting a new gig where some dude gets to try and win a spot on the Cowboys’ training camp roster. Not that the Cowboys need more drama with T.O., Romo, Jessica Simpson and so on. No word yet if Pacman Jones is one of the contestants.
posted by The Gryphon at 6:25 PM
<< Home