Monday, October 19, 2009

NFC East Gap Closes Though The Power Of Sloth

By Drew McGary

Sunday morning, your Dallas Cowboys were the third best team in the NFC East. They were a talented but gaffe-prone group of ne’er-do-wells, destined to lag behind the Eagles and Giants all year long thanks to their dumbfounding lack of discipline and leadership.

Ah, but what a difference a day makes. I told you last week there’s no sweeter feeling in the world than being rewarded for doing nothing. And Sunday, your Dallas Cowboys hit the bye-week jackpot. Indeed, outside of New Orleans and Minnesota, no team in the NFC had a better day than the Cowboys. Not only did every other team in their division lose, they also all looked like CRAP! YEEHAW! WOOHOO! THEY MIGHT ALL SUCK JUST AS BAD AS THE COWBOYS DO!

Let’s go first to Washington, where the putrid Redskins gave Kansas City its first win and led team owner Danny “Ant Man” Snyder to take away play-calling duties from Jim Zorn, which will totally solve every problem the Skins have. Also, noted golem Jason Campbell was benched in favor of preserved fossil Todd Collins. The only interesting thing about the Redskins this year is how they find new and cruel ways to emasculate Zorn each week now. Next week, he won’t be allowed to wear pants on the sidelines. The week after, Snyder gets to ride on him like a pony. Congrats, Dallas. You have no prayer of being the worst team in this division.

Next we go to Oakland, where your suicide pool was RUINED by the Eagles. At least once a year, Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb will collaborate to lose (or tie) a game so inexplicably, so unimpressively, that you’re stunned they ever managed to win a game together beforehand. I mean really, calling a timeout when you don’t have any left? Say what you will about Tony Romo, but he’d never do anything that stupid. He’d fumble before getting the chance. Anyway, now you know that the Eagles can play just as uninspired and stupidly as the Cowboys can. LIFE: IMPROVED.

And finally, we go to New Orleans, where the Giants got absolutely curb-stomped by the Saints, who are now the best team in the NFC. Keep in mind that the Cowboys ran for over 200 yards against New York in the home opener, and suddenly Eli and company don’t look so imposing.

Things looked bad last week for the Cowboys in the wake of their unimpressive win at KC, but things are a little bit different today. Today, the rest of the division isn’t so hot either, and there’s plenty there for the taking. The Cowboys are right back in the race. Until next week, when they blow it and make someone else’s bye week all warm and fuzzy.