Report to mothership: NFL revolves around T.O.
By Os Davis on September 1, 2006 01:01 AM
Imagine an alien visits Earth, knowing little of our culture or the games we play...
Now imagine that this alien, after getting acclimatized to the local oxygen count and gravity, taking an interest NFL football. Unlike Earth's wise sportswriters ever happy to tell you that the preseason doesn't matter, Joe Alpha Centauri is still laboring under the misconception that the preseason can tell the fans something about individual players, coaching staffs and teams.
Naturally, even in the non-playing weeks that drag on longer than a jaunt to Andromeda Galaxy, our green friend's first thoughts of the day are to check news for a glance at anything football. So what did E.T. see this week at the top of the sports pages? News of Jeff George's thawing from his cryogenic state to play ball with the Oakland Raiders ? Stuff about the 2003 NFC champion Carolina Panthers and their pharmaceutical friends? Inspiring stories about Carson Palmer's three TD tosses after a comeback routinely called "miraculous"? Nah, no and nope.
What rules the headlines? Terrell Owens oversleeps, Terrell Owens gets fined, Terrell Owens practices, Terrell Owens might play opening day. Hall of Famers Joe Theismann and Terry Bradshaw took shots at T.O. this week after everyone's favorite media hog overslept, a crime that certainly no professional athlete has ever committed. Theismann was particularly brutal, twice calling Owens a "jerk" on ESPN Radio. (Don't you love it when media members interview media members, especially their colleagues?) Clearly feeling the epithet wasn't enough to get his comments top slot on "Sportscenter," Theismann went on to call T.O. a "liar" and repeat that slam.
The conclusion: The NFL revolves around Terrell Owens. What else is our extra-terrestrial buddy supposed to think except that, given our society's questionable priorities, the world itself revolves around Terrell Owens.
Doesn't it?
Since we're talking aliens and planetary forces anyway, let's open the X-Files. I've got a conspiracy theory for you.
Look, Jerry Jones is no dummy. All right, the firing of Jimmy Johnson and the later hiring of Dave Campo prove he's no genius, but the oilman's got brain cells enough to run a decent Dallas Cowboys franchise. Bill Parcells is no owner's pushover willing to take on head case/pet project. The media would have you believe that Jones signed Owens against Parcells' better judgment.
But that's what they want you to think.
Here's what really went down. Owens confided in Jones that his hamstring was actually completely destroyed by flesh-eating bacteria and he's only been able to stand upright via special NASA technology implanted during a super-secret operation on space station Mir.
Armed with this information, Jones and Parcells hatch a plan to sign Owens anyway to act as a smokescreen for all other developments in Cowboy camp. With bionic implants in his teeth and supplemental steroids designed to increase his production of pheromones which specifically act on attracting cameras and microphones, T.O. is a human (well, mostly) smokescreen. The Pentagon spent hundreds of billions on stealth technology? Ha! At $25 million, T.O. is a bargain that will keep media, fans and 31 NFL teams looking the other way while the 'Pokes sneak into the Bowl.
And it's working like a charm. Jones and Parcells' incredible head game is breathtaking in scope, a plan of genius that's Bill Belichick times Phil Jackson squared. Ask yourself, or ask our tentacled friend: How about that rejuvenated Drew Bledsoe-Terry Glenn combination that looks better than ever? What do you make of the nice one-two running punch the Cowboys suddenly seem to have in Julius Jones and Tyson Thompson? Aren't you in awe of a stingy first-team defense that has allowed three points in as many preseason games and may be better than last year? If you find yourself or the alien immediately sneaking over to consult the 'net, the greatest invisibility make since the Klingons invented the cloaking device is earning his pay.
Meanwhile, all of us - me, you, Scully, Mulder, Kirk, Spock, Elvis and the contingent from the stars - may well be watching the Cowboys in Super Bowl XLI, with or without whatsisname.
The truth is out there. Until then, keep watching the headlines. Jones and Parcells sure hope you do.
Imagine an alien visits Earth, knowing little of our culture or the games we play...
Now imagine that this alien, after getting acclimatized to the local oxygen count and gravity, taking an interest NFL football. Unlike Earth's wise sportswriters ever happy to tell you that the preseason doesn't matter, Joe Alpha Centauri is still laboring under the misconception that the preseason can tell the fans something about individual players, coaching staffs and teams.
Naturally, even in the non-playing weeks that drag on longer than a jaunt to Andromeda Galaxy, our green friend's first thoughts of the day are to check news for a glance at anything football. So what did E.T. see this week at the top of the sports pages? News of Jeff George's thawing from his cryogenic state to play ball with the Oakland Raiders ? Stuff about the 2003 NFC champion Carolina Panthers and their pharmaceutical friends? Inspiring stories about Carson Palmer's three TD tosses after a comeback routinely called "miraculous"? Nah, no and nope.
What rules the headlines? Terrell Owens oversleeps, Terrell Owens gets fined, Terrell Owens practices, Terrell Owens might play opening day. Hall of Famers Joe Theismann and Terry Bradshaw took shots at T.O. this week after everyone's favorite media hog overslept, a crime that certainly no professional athlete has ever committed. Theismann was particularly brutal, twice calling Owens a "jerk" on ESPN Radio. (Don't you love it when media members interview media members, especially their colleagues?) Clearly feeling the epithet wasn't enough to get his comments top slot on "Sportscenter," Theismann went on to call T.O. a "liar" and repeat that slam.
The conclusion: The NFL revolves around Terrell Owens. What else is our extra-terrestrial buddy supposed to think except that, given our society's questionable priorities, the world itself revolves around Terrell Owens.
Doesn't it?
Since we're talking aliens and planetary forces anyway, let's open the X-Files. I've got a conspiracy theory for you.
Look, Jerry Jones is no dummy. All right, the firing of Jimmy Johnson and the later hiring of Dave Campo prove he's no genius, but the oilman's got brain cells enough to run a decent Dallas Cowboys franchise. Bill Parcells is no owner's pushover willing to take on head case/pet project. The media would have you believe that Jones signed Owens against Parcells' better judgment.
But that's what they want you to think.
Here's what really went down. Owens confided in Jones that his hamstring was actually completely destroyed by flesh-eating bacteria and he's only been able to stand upright via special NASA technology implanted during a super-secret operation on space station Mir.
Armed with this information, Jones and Parcells hatch a plan to sign Owens anyway to act as a smokescreen for all other developments in Cowboy camp. With bionic implants in his teeth and supplemental steroids designed to increase his production of pheromones which specifically act on attracting cameras and microphones, T.O. is a human (well, mostly) smokescreen. The Pentagon spent hundreds of billions on stealth technology? Ha! At $25 million, T.O. is a bargain that will keep media, fans and 31 NFL teams looking the other way while the 'Pokes sneak into the Bowl.
And it's working like a charm. Jones and Parcells' incredible head game is breathtaking in scope, a plan of genius that's Bill Belichick times Phil Jackson squared. Ask yourself, or ask our tentacled friend: How about that rejuvenated Drew Bledsoe-Terry Glenn combination that looks better than ever? What do you make of the nice one-two running punch the Cowboys suddenly seem to have in Julius Jones and Tyson Thompson? Aren't you in awe of a stingy first-team defense that has allowed three points in as many preseason games and may be better than last year? If you find yourself or the alien immediately sneaking over to consult the 'net, the greatest invisibility make since the Klingons invented the cloaking device is earning his pay.
Meanwhile, all of us - me, you, Scully, Mulder, Kirk, Spock, Elvis and the contingent from the stars - may well be watching the Cowboys in Super Bowl XLI, with or without whatsisname.
The truth is out there. Until then, keep watching the headlines. Jones and Parcells sure hope you do.
posted by The Gryphon at 9:03 AM
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