Iraq Study Group: "Pull Out Troops, Send In Romo!"
(Washington D.C.) The Iraq Study Group, headed by former Secretary of State James A. Baker III and former Democratic Congressman and Vice-Chair of the 9/11 Commission Lee Hamilton, released their report today.
Through advanced leaks many thought the ISG's recommendations would be to change the role of the American troops to a more supportive one and engage in dialogue with Iraq's neighbors. But to pretty much everyone's surprise the ISG recommends pulling out all of the American troops and sending in their place Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. (For those not familiar with the National Football League, Tony Romo is the 4th year undrafted free agent who rescued America's Team from a mediocre season and now has them in position to win their division and make the playoffs.)
"He (Romo) is really the only logical choice out there," said Baker "Hell, the way he turned around the Cowboys' season, I know he can turn around this war."
"I agree whole heartedly," added Hamilton "The kid's got nimble feet, good field vision and a quick release. We definitely think Tony gives us the best chance to win."
But not everyone agrees.
"Now before you go pinning a Medal of Honor on Tony, remember he's still a kid," said Cowboys head coach Bill Parcells "He still does some pretty goofy things. But I'm not saying that he's a bad choice. He's smart, prepares well and stays mostly calm in the face of fire. I'm just saying he's not Superman. For my money I'd rather send Sly Stallone over to Iraq."
"Are you ****ing crazy?" said Stallone "I'm 60 ****ing years-old. The only thing I'm fighting for is my next erection. Sorry Romo, but it's your time. And if you could ship out before you play the (Philadelphia) Eagles on Christmas Day, that would be great."
Not surprisingly Cowboys fans disagree with Sly. "Look, I agree with Baker and Hamilton that Romo could do anything, save Iraq, walk on water, whatever," said Cowboys fan Mike Rucker of Dallas, Texas "But would you guys mind if he finishes the season first? We'll need him against Philly and in the playoffs."
Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens thinks the ISG should go another way. He recommends taking both Eagles' quarterbacks Donovan McNabb and Jeff Garcia. But other quarterbacks are volunteering.
"What the hell do I have to do to prove myself to you America? I could fix Iraq," said former NFL MVP, current advertising darling and quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts Peyton Manning "I call my own plays, does Romo call is own plays?"
"It doesn't matter," said Baker "Romo's got the hot hand, and we're recommending going with the hot hand."
Tony Romo is taking all of this praise in stride. "Hey I'm just glad to be here and have a chance to do something positive. But honestly I think Peyton is right. He could fix Iraq. But if you're going to take him, you might as well take Eli (Peyton's younger brother and quarterback of Dallas rival New York Giants) too," said Romo with a sly grin "Now if you would excuse me, Jessica (Simpson) is on the phone."
Through advanced leaks many thought the ISG's recommendations would be to change the role of the American troops to a more supportive one and engage in dialogue with Iraq's neighbors. But to pretty much everyone's surprise the ISG recommends pulling out all of the American troops and sending in their place Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. (For those not familiar with the National Football League, Tony Romo is the 4th year undrafted free agent who rescued America's Team from a mediocre season and now has them in position to win their division and make the playoffs.)
"He (Romo) is really the only logical choice out there," said Baker "Hell, the way he turned around the Cowboys' season, I know he can turn around this war."
"I agree whole heartedly," added Hamilton "The kid's got nimble feet, good field vision and a quick release. We definitely think Tony gives us the best chance to win."
But not everyone agrees.
"Now before you go pinning a Medal of Honor on Tony, remember he's still a kid," said Cowboys head coach Bill Parcells "He still does some pretty goofy things. But I'm not saying that he's a bad choice. He's smart, prepares well and stays mostly calm in the face of fire. I'm just saying he's not Superman. For my money I'd rather send Sly Stallone over to Iraq."
"Are you ****ing crazy?" said Stallone "I'm 60 ****ing years-old. The only thing I'm fighting for is my next erection. Sorry Romo, but it's your time. And if you could ship out before you play the (Philadelphia) Eagles on Christmas Day, that would be great."
Not surprisingly Cowboys fans disagree with Sly. "Look, I agree with Baker and Hamilton that Romo could do anything, save Iraq, walk on water, whatever," said Cowboys fan Mike Rucker of Dallas, Texas "But would you guys mind if he finishes the season first? We'll need him against Philly and in the playoffs."
Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens thinks the ISG should go another way. He recommends taking both Eagles' quarterbacks Donovan McNabb and Jeff Garcia. But other quarterbacks are volunteering.
"What the hell do I have to do to prove myself to you America? I could fix Iraq," said former NFL MVP, current advertising darling and quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts Peyton Manning "I call my own plays, does Romo call is own plays?"
"It doesn't matter," said Baker "Romo's got the hot hand, and we're recommending going with the hot hand."
Tony Romo is taking all of this praise in stride. "Hey I'm just glad to be here and have a chance to do something positive. But honestly I think Peyton is right. He could fix Iraq. But if you're going to take him, you might as well take Eli (Peyton's younger brother and quarterback of Dallas rival New York Giants) too," said Romo with a sly grin "Now if you would excuse me, Jessica (Simpson) is on the phone."
posted by The Gryphon at 7:03 PM
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